I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
