i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
