saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He felt like a one man threesome
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
