Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
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