Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
