No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
