I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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