I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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