GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
