dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
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Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
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I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
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