Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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