His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
