R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
