Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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