Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
