He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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