just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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