I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
