Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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