she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
