What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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