She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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