im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Please don't give away my fajitas
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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