Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
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