just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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