I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
