you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
