Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
