I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
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