Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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