Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
