I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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