bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
