my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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