Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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