He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
