I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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