I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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