I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
