Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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