I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
