Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
