The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
