I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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