Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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