how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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