she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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