I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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