Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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