how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
