I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
