Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
