I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
