There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
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